...that in all things He may have preeminence.
Colossians 1:18 (NKJV)
After another disappointing attempt at connecting with God, I sighed, slipped my tennis shoes on and went for a walk. I needed understanding and clarity. I needed his voice. The familiar crunch of gravel under my feet, the warm air, and joyful song of a mockingbird overhead lifted my spirit. I began to talk to God. “Why don’t I feel you? Why aren’t you talking to me? Why am I struggling so much to hear you?”
Strong words I didn’t expect erupted in my heart: “Because you still want your autonomy. So, I’m giving it to you!”
Autonomy? What does that even mean?
Simply put, autonomy is self-government. Me running my own life.
I didn’t understand how God could say that to me. I want nothing more than to live a surrendered, obedient life that glorifies him. My life verse is the second part of Colossians 1:18: that in all things he might have preeminence. So, what was I missing?
It took some time and prayer to get to the bottom of my autonomous living. A morning session in the Word led me to some eye-opening verses in 1 Samuel 15. The Lord had commanded King Saul to destroy the Amalekites. All of them. Saul destroyed 99 percent of them. This displeased the Lord greatly. Because he asked for 100 percent. And Saul didn’t get it. Talking to the prophet Samuel, Saul said “But I did obey the Lord. I completed the mission he gave me.” Did he? No.
I read these verses with a lump in my throat and a weight in my chest. Because I finally understood God’s silence with me. Like Saul, I hadn’t fully completed my mission either. When God called me to share my hard story, I wholeheartedly said “yes.” And I have obeyed to a degree…when I feel comfortable. But with a recent more challenging opportunity—knowing God wanted me to do it—I shrank back.
Too often, doubt seems to be my first reaction, and I argue with God. “Are you sure you have the right girl, Lord? Don’t you mean my husband instead? He’s the communicator in the family. I’m more comfortable hiding behind him because he’s better at this than me. I have a voice that people tend to talk over. There’s no way they’ll listen. I’m not good enough. I can’t do it.”
Have you been a 99 percenter like me at times? Obeying your own way, when it’s most comfortable? Doubting that he’s got the right person? Praise the Lord we have a compassionate and forgiving Father. He does want our 100 percent, and if we shrink back from fully obeying, he may feel silent for a bit. He might let us sit in our discomfort awhile. But when we turn to him, and cry out, oh how gracious he is to point us back to the moment we decided to do it our way. And then, in his miraculous way, he’ll use our repentance to bring honor and glory to his name!
Reflect
Are you willing to give up your autonomy for a life of full obedience? If not, ask yourself “why?” Spend some time in prayer right now and seek him on these things.