ESCAPING THE SHAME SNOWBALL
“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it—it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy... When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” - Brené Brown
Being a teen girl is HARD. Growing up, the grip of perfectionism got ahold of my young heart, and soon self-doubt creeped in, followed by lots of quiet lies about not being good enough, needing to work harder, be thinner, break out of my introverted shell. All the pressures placed upon me as a teen girl, from my parents, my community, and myself, gave way to disordered eating, anxiety, and panic attacks that kept me from sleep.
For so many women, the roots of the issues we carry with us for years can trace back to our adolescence, to the time when we struggled to pin down our identity, longed to feel worthy and empowered—the place in our lives where the seeds of shame were sown.
Shame is this thing keeping our insecurities, painful experiences that should have neverhappened to us, moments of failure, and whispers of self-doubt secret. We hide behind carefully curated social media profiles and picture-perfect smiles, hoping no one senses the heavy shame buried down deep.
The thing about shame is that it doesn’t stay stagnant – it snowballs. It grows into depression, anxiety, and addiction. It creeps into marriages and friendships with its quiet toxicity, isolating us, driving us further into ourselves and the things we won’t talk about. It can even lead to self-loathing, self- harm, and suicidal ideation.
Shame starts as a whisper and grows to a roar, one that only you can hear.
Researchers have shown that shame is deeply interconnected with trauma. In fact, the more shame a person internalizes following a traumatic experience, the more likely they are to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress (PTS) in the long run. While guilt leaves us thinking, “I did something bad,” shame drives deeper, stating, “I am bad.”
Shame is a highly complex, socially important emotion that, from an evolutionary standpoint, may have served as a useful inner red flag that protected early humans from social exclusion or rejection that could have ultimately stood in the way of their survival. But this inner red flag is no longer useful to us, as Christians. The truth is, we don’t have to worry about being rejected for the ways our lives have been imperfect.
Romans 8:1 (NIV) says it clearly: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Webster says condemnation means, “the expression of strong disapproval.” Jesus doesn’t disapprove of us, no matter what lies shame might be whispering to our hearts. We don’t have to be afraid to say out loud the painful thoughts, memories, and experiences we’ve buried. We don’t have to hold shame anymore—in Christ we are free from shame.
What’s more, we can model the love of Jesus to one another by meeting each other’s shame with its one and only antidote: empathy. Brené Brown, professor, social worker, and researcher on shame said, “If we are going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of “what we’re supposed to be” is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.”
Dare to tell your story. Wrap your shame in words and throw it out there. Smother it with empathy. Drown it out with praise to the God who has loved you with an unconditional love, the one who has seen you through all the difficult circumstances you’ve found yourself in, the times you wish you’d made a different choice, the moments of despair and doubt. Praise the God who thinks you’re the most beautiful, radiant daughter he could have.
Being a teen girl is HARD. Growing up, the grip of perfectionism got ahold of my young heart, and soon self-doubt creeped in, followed by lots of quiet lies about not being good enough, needing to work harder, be thinner, break out of my introverted shell. All the pressures placed upon me as a teen girl, from my parents, my community, and myself, gave way to disordered eating, anxiety, and panic attacks that kept me from sleep.
For so many women, the roots of the issues we carry with us for years can trace back to our adolescence, to the time when we struggled to pin down our identity, longed to feel worthy and empowered—the place in our lives where the seeds of shame were sown.
Shame is this thing keeping our insecurities, painful experiences that should have neverhappened to us, moments of failure, and whispers of self-doubt secret. We hide behind carefully curated social media profiles and picture-perfect smiles, hoping no one senses the heavy shame buried down deep.
The thing about shame is that it doesn’t stay stagnant – it snowballs. It grows into depression, anxiety, and addiction. It creeps into marriages and friendships with its quiet toxicity, isolating us, driving us further into ourselves and the things we won’t talk about. It can even lead to self-loathing, self- harm, and suicidal ideation.
Shame starts as a whisper and grows to a roar, one that only you can hear.
Researchers have shown that shame is deeply interconnected with trauma. In fact, the more shame a person internalizes following a traumatic experience, the more likely they are to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress (PTS) in the long run. While guilt leaves us thinking, “I did something bad,” shame drives deeper, stating, “I am bad.”
Shame is a highly complex, socially important emotion that, from an evolutionary standpoint, may have served as a useful inner red flag that protected early humans from social exclusion or rejection that could have ultimately stood in the way of their survival. But this inner red flag is no longer useful to us, as Christians. The truth is, we don’t have to worry about being rejected for the ways our lives have been imperfect.
Romans 8:1 (NIV) says it clearly: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Webster says condemnation means, “the expression of strong disapproval.” Jesus doesn’t disapprove of us, no matter what lies shame might be whispering to our hearts. We don’t have to be afraid to say out loud the painful thoughts, memories, and experiences we’ve buried. We don’t have to hold shame anymore—in Christ we are free from shame.
What’s more, we can model the love of Jesus to one another by meeting each other’s shame with its one and only antidote: empathy. Brené Brown, professor, social worker, and researcher on shame said, “If we are going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of “what we’re supposed to be” is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.”
Dare to tell your story. Wrap your shame in words and throw it out there. Smother it with empathy. Drown it out with praise to the God who has loved you with an unconditional love, the one who has seen you through all the difficult circumstances you’ve found yourself in, the times you wish you’d made a different choice, the moments of despair and doubt. Praise the God who thinks you’re the most beautiful, radiant daughter he could have.
